What the Coach Said to the Umpire
…and other true life stories that make you laugh
The craziest stories usually are those that actually happened. Like the time a car crashed into Jake and Sadie's house late one night and woke up Sadie, who called out, "Is that you, Jake?" You end up telling them over and over again. Here are some that you sent to us. Thanks to everyone who submitted something.
Calling them as he sees them
This is a true story that actually happened during a high school baseball game. Since the individuals involved are quite well known, at least in Davidson County, I have purposely not
referred to them by name.
A certain high school baseball coach has always had a tendency to disagree with any umpire's call that does not favor his team. In a recent game, he had constantly questioned the consistency of the man in blue's strike zone.When one of his players was thrown out in a very close play at home, Coach charged the ump and protested the decision vehemently. Having put up with the coach's antics to his limit, the umpire ejected Coach from the contest.
Following the rulebook, which states that a banished player or coach must be "out of sight and sound," the abused official told the coach, "You must go where I can't see you."
This was the coach's opportunity for the perfect squelch, and he countered by going directly to home plate and saying, "I guess that means I'll stand right here, because you haven't seen anything that happened here all night."
Mr. Rother, my sister-in-law's dad, was a "Sanford and Son" fan. Every night at the time "Sanford and Son" was to come on he would go into the den, turn on the TV, sit down, take his hat off, and lay it by the chair. He would not say much until his program had ended.
One day unbeknown to him, his daughter-in-law took his TV to be worked on, leaving her color TV in the place of his. She knew "Sanford and Son" would be on that night and didn't
want to get on the wrong side of Mr. Rother.
So that night he came in, turned on the TV, and sat back, and the first words out of his mouth were, "Well, I'll be darned, Sanford has painted his truck!"
A half won't harm anyone
My friend Jenny and I had been faithfully following a diet program for two months and had not eaten any sweets during that time. One morning we met for breakfast and successfully stayed on program, eating only boiled eggs, dry toast, orange juice and black coffee. Next to us sat a gentleman who was leisurely breakfasting on three glazed donuts. We were very
envious of him.
The man left his seat at the counter, leaving one untouched donut behind. My friend nudged me and pointed at it, saying, "Look! We can't let that go to waste. Grab it before the waitress clears it away!"
Without pause or second thought we halved the donut and were happily licking our fingertips when the gentleman returned to his seat from the bathroom. We kept our eyes lowered and red faces averted as he questioned the waitress, and before he could consider us, we made a hasty retreat out the door.
My sister took her little granddaughter shopping with her one day. She was buying a lot of things on her credit card. Even-tually, her granddaughter spoke up and asked her, "Grandma, when you die, can I have that card?"
Did she or didn't she?
When my father was growing up, his life was made more interesting by the pranks of his four younger sisters: Emmy, Elizabeth, Catherine and Louise. One evening after supper when he realized that one serving of dessert remained, he slipped it into a back corner of the icebox for a later treat.
To ensure that it remained his and his alone, he wrote a note saying, "I spit in this. Thomas." And propped it next to the dessert.
Some time later he returned for his prize and found an addition to his note. It said simply, "So did I. Catherine."
We're out of here
Every Saturday evening, my boyfriend and I would go to a different restaurant for dinner. We tried all kinds of foods and never dined at the same place twice.
One restaurant – we'll call it Damian's – had an unusual menu with duck, pheasant and things we had never tried. We were seated, given a pitcher of water, two glasses, and bread with butter on a beautifully decorated plate. The table was complete with linen cover, silverware, fresh flowers and a candle.
When my boyfriend looked at the menu, he got a terrified look on his face. He told me the prices were too steep, and we could not afford to dine there. I told him not to worry; we could just get up quietly and slowly and walk out. In his panic, he checked his pockets to see how much money he had and inadvertently tucked the edge of the tablecloth into his pocket with his money.
I'm sure you can guess what happened. Yes, water pitcher, glasses, candle, silverware, flowers, bread and butter went crashing everywhere as he got up from his seat to make our slow, quiet departure.
How to earn a nickname
Our friend, Lloyd, told us about his family reunion and his Aunt Irene. He said she had become intoxicated and several of the family members tried to get her into the house to lie down. She refused.
It wasn't long before she passed out in front of the picnic tables. People just walked around her being careful not to step on her. No one wanted her to get hurt. She had been out for awhile when Uncle Charlie, her husband, who had gone to the beer store, you know, for more beer, came back.
Well, he decided it was too far to walk from where the cars were parked, so he'd just drive up to those picnic tables so as not to have so far to walk. Everyone started yelling for him to STOP! Being slightly intoxicated himself, Uncle Charlie couldn't figure out why they were yelling. So he just kept coming.
Well, sure enough, he ran right over Aunt Irene. It scared him so bad he put that car in reverse and backed right over her again.
I asked Lloyd: "What did you do?" He said, "There were so many people over there, I just sat in my car and watched. 'Twern't nothing I could do."
"Did it kill her?" I asked.
"Naw, it broke her arm. We all just call her 'Speed Bump' now."
Saturday morning news
Several years ago our family moved to Boone so my husband could go to graduate school at Appalachian State University. We had three young children at the time and lived in university housing on campus. Every Saturday morning it became a ritual for my husband to walk down the hill from our apartment to a newspaper stand outside the business building, taking our three sons along with him to get the Saturday Winston-Salem Journal. It was about 200 yards away but visible from our home.
One Saturday, our 8-year-old asked if he could go get the paper "all by myself." My husband thought a moment then gave his permission to go ahead. He gave Josh the quarter and told him to be careful. We watched as our son went off, feeling a little apprehensive but knowing we needed to start letting him grow up some.
We watched him the whole way. He walked down to the newspaper stand, stood there a few moments, then came back. When he got back to us he had no paper. My husband asked where the paper was, and Josh replied that they were out.
"Then where's my quarter?" asked my husband.
Josh said, "I put it in the machine."
My husband then asked why he put in a quarter if the machine was empty. Josh said that he did not know it was empty until he opened it up and there were no papers inside.
His dad then asked why he didn't see through the glass that it was empty. Josh replied, "There was a paper in the way."
Why he sits in the back
This story is very true, and it happened to my husband and me. We stopped to get gas at the filling station, and once I paid we started off to a local mall. Well, I talked and talked to my husband who never answered, because he sat in the back seat.
Once at the mall, I turned to the back seat and no husband! This made me laugh, so I went back to the filling station. There was my husband, so upset that he called the police. He got out to go to the men's room and never told me.
A good story is the best, but when it's true, it's even finer. A good friend of mine asked me to meet her husband at Frank's and give him a ride home. He drives a semi, and someone else was going to deliver his load for him. I took him home and didn't think anything more about it until the next day when she called to thank me.
She said he didn't have a key and had to crawl through the window. When she asked him if he made it in okay without breaking anything, his response was, "Getting in was pretty easy, but crawlin' back out that window was the tricky part."
Occasionally, when they're not at home, I call and leave this message. "Someone help me! I'm locked in my house and can't get the window open!"
Get some new ones
A friend of mine was sitting in the doctor's office waiting to be called back in. A young boy around 3 or 4 was actively moving about, going under the chairs, sitting on top of the tables, and just having a good time. His mother kept calling him down and was becoming quite exasperated in her efforts to keep him still.
In frustration, she finally picked him up and set him in a chair in a no-nonsense fashion.
The little boy began to cry, "My balls, you broke my balls!" He then reached in his pockets and pulled out some crushed Ping-Pong balls.
An older gentleman sitting across the room came over and gave the little boy five dollars and said, "Here son, get you some new balls. You just made my day."
Moonpie wedding cake
When my sister Gail was 17, she was asked to bake a wedding cake for a wedding. We all knew well that Gail made wonderful cakes, but when she started on the couple's three-layer wedding cake, the bottom layer fell. Gail didn't have any more time to bake another layer, so she put two moonpies under the rest of the cake, with icing, and said no one would notice. Well, they didn't notice. They said it had the best flavor they had ever tasted.
The nearest uncle
When I was 8 years old and my cousin Melanie was 5, we took a family trip to Tweetsie Railroad in the beautiful North Carolina mountains. Aunt Marilyn and Uncle Bobby, Melanie's parents, always made it a point to include me in their vacation plans.
Aunt Marilyn talked endlessly about the enormous rhododendrons we would see on our way to Boone. Uncle Bobby reminded us to keep a lookout for ferocious cowboys and Indians. Melanie and I could barely contain our excitement.
After a beautiful drive on the Blue Ridge Parkway, we finally arrived at Tweetsie Railroad. The park was packed with tourists. When the famous Tweetsie Train came around the bend, it sounded its arrival with a tremendous whistle. The whistle was so loud, it drowned out the music from a nearby bluegrass band. We were all surprised by this loud noise. Melanie in particular reacted to the train whistle. She literally climbed up Uncle Bobby's legs, up his torso, wrapped her little arms around his neck and proceeded to loose control of her bladder. My poor uncle was soaked.
Melanie and I suddenly realized that the man that Melanie climbed was not Uncle Bobby. It was a unsuspecting tourist who happened to be standing next to Melanie when the Tweetsie Train whistle sounded. Every time I hear a train whistle, even 32 years later, I can't help but smile when I think of the look on that poor man's face.
Sue Ann was undergoing emergency surgery and left her body and went to Heaven's gate. "Is this it Lord?" she asked. "Am I dead?" He replied, "No, Sue Ann. You have 40 years left. Go on back to earth."
During recovery from her surgery, she decided that because she was going to live another 40 years, she would make the most of it. She had a face-lift, a tummy-tuck, liposuction and called in a beautician to dye her hair.
Upon leaving the hospital she was struck by an ambulance and killed. When she reached Heaven, she said, "Lord, you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you protect me?" To which he replied, "Well, I didn't recognize you."
Who shot the crow?
Our good friend Wayne grew up in Blowing Rock at the Green Park Inn. As a boy, he often wandered the golf course with his trusty .22 pistol. One day he came across a crow and decided to have some target practice. He wounded the bird so that it was flopping all over the place, so he tried to catch it to put it out of its misery.
Soon, a couple came walking near where he was and asked what he was doing. He exclaimed, "Someone has shot this crow, and I'm trying to catch it!" Next thing he knew, the couple had caught the bird and were off to the vet with it.
The preacher's spot
A pastor said that when he first started preaching in the 1970s, people would often give him food instead of money for his services. Unfortunately, some of the food was inedible because of the taste. But he wouldn't dare hurt anyone's feelings, so he found a spot behind his barn to dispose of the food. When he was asked, "How was the food?" he could honestly respond "It hit the spot!"
Where were you?
My two kids, Heather and Paul, are very close in age and are the poster children for sibling rivalry. In the 9th grade, Heather was given a history assignment which included interviewing older adults that remembered the Kennedy assassination. The two kids were visiting their grandparents one day when Heather asked, "Maw-Maw, where were you when JFK was killed?"
Not knowing about the school project, Paul immediately interrupted: "Heather, do you really think your own Grandma shot JFK?"
A new recruiting test
Two big league scouts were coming down the West Virginia turnpike on the way to Atlanta, Georgia. They met a boy about 18 years old carrying five squirrels. The boy had no gun, so they began to wonder how he had killed the squirrels. They turned around and overtook him.
"Hey son, where did you get them squirrels?" they asked.
"Up in the woods," he replied.
"But you don't have a gun. How did you kill them?"
"I killed them with rocks," he replied.
"We just don't believe you can do that," said the scouts.
"Well, come on," he said. "And I'll prove it."
So they all went up the road bank into the woods. The boy said, "Do you see that squirrel out on that tall poplar limb?" They both saw the squirrel. Then the boy stooped down and got him a rock. He hefted it left-handed a couple of times and let fly. Hit the squirrel right in the head.
"Come on to our car, boy,' the scouts said. "We got some papers we want you to sign. We are big league scouts and we want to sign you up. A natural left-hander like you could really go places in the big league."
"But I'm not a left-hander," the boy said. "I'm right-handed."
"Well you knocked the squirrel out left-handed."
"I know," the boy replied. "Pa said if I threw right-handed, he'd whip me good, cause I break up the squirrel's bones so bad."