And then it happened. I had no sooner finished my second helping of a delicious ham and cheese casserole when everyone pulled out a present. I thought, “Oh no. They’re gonna play ‘Dirty Santa.’” If you’ve never heard of this game before (aka “White Elephant,” aka “Yankee Swap”), it’s a blend of gift giving, greed and WWE wrestling. Some historians believe it was invented by the Romans to torture their prisoners before they were fed to the lions.

As I sat and watched the game progress, it would be hard to disagree. I had no idea sweet, reserved Sunday School teaching grandmas could become as ruthless as Navy SEALs on a seek-and-destroy assignment. That’s because most of these ladies were brought up on the old Kmart blue light specials. You may recall, once the blue light was cut on, it was retail bloodsport — everyone rushed toward that bargain table and fought for whatever was on sale like they were trying to get the last lifeboat seat on the Titanic. And years later, all of them have carried that mentality into this holiday game.

“I thought, “Oh no. They’re gonna play ‘Dirty Santa.’” If you’ve never heard of this game before (aka “White Elephant,” aka “Yankee Swap”), it’s a blend of gift giving, greed, and WWE wrestling.”

If you’re not familiar with the rules, this is how it works: everyone brings a gift worth a certain dollar value, carefully wrapped. The first person chooses a present. Then the second person chooses another present, and can keep it, or trade it for the first person’s gift. And so it goes until a gift has been traded about three times, or everyone has something they are happy with. Of course, that never happens because the best present is continuously “stolen” by everyone, and as a result if you have a lousy gift, you’re probably stuck. And there are always some stinkers. I’ve seen mouse traps, toilet bowl cleaner, even Ex-Lax (the true definition of a crappy gift).

From what everyone at my table told me, this holiday season’s edition of White Elephant was quite civil compared to previous ones. A few years ago, two people almost came to blows because they both wanted a tree ornament that said Peace on Earth. And today, a battery-operated lamp was quite popular; as a result, it was continuously stolen back and forth for about 30 minutes. I felt the intensity in the room build; it was easy to see how a fistfight could erupt. As if there isn’t enough hate in the world, let’s generate more of it by having people take things from one another.

What’s worse, a few of the ladies couldn’t get out of their seats fast enough to trade for a better present, so they were stuck with what they had until somebody more mobile came along and traded it away from them.

At least everyone was sober. I’ve heard about gift swap parties where alcohol is involved. Bad combination. That’s like throwing napalm on a campfire.

Finally, the game ended, and most everyone seemed kind of happy except for the grandma who had the battery-operated lamp taken from her the last time. She was undoubtedly sulking.

I’m told the purpose of the White Elephant game is to build Christmas cheer. That can happen, I suppose— but human nature being what it is, there is always the possibility of pettiness, anger and sophomoric behavior.

Why is there such a ruckus anyway? Most of these folks are at a stage in life where they want to get rid of clutter and, to me, a $10 battery-operated Christmas lamp ain’t nothing but clutter.
But I will admit that it’s gonna look really nice on my holiday mantle.